Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
