I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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