The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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