I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
