Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
