Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
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