Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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