i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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