I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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