I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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