my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
