Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
