Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
ttyl tear gas
you had me at cake vodka
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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