Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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