Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
