I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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