these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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