Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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