my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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