Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
