who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
not ubering you a puppy
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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