I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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