I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
