plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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