Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
