I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
