I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize