the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize