last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
