I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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