it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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