dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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