i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
