I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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