Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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