It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
