i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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