bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he thought i was a dude.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
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