i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
