I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
