Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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