Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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