1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
