So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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