Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
