shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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