Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
