Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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