I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
