The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
