The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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