I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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