new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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