know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
