No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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