Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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