foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
