Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
