My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
