i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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