God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
