Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
