Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
