now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
