i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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