Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
