How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
