If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
